To lie or not to lie?

I sit at my computer wondering what to do next. What part of my life will I expose? In the beginning it is always difficult to decide. Do I hide the things that I don’t like about myself so people are drawn to me or simple say fuck it and tell the truth? I suppose it is easier when I have no idea who will read this.

I think the truth is important even though it is scary to me. I found comfort in lying, hiding behind a fake wall trying to keep safe. I can still remember when it all started, my first lie.

I was 6 years old. It was the winter of 1981. I was walking home from school down Henderson Hwy in Winnipeg MB. Now keep in mind that if you grow up in Winnipeg you will either love the cold and snow or you will hate it. I love it. Winter was my favourite time as a kid. Playing in the snow, building forts and the inevitable snow ball fight.

On this particular day the sun was shining, it was crisp and the snow piles were huge. The piles were 10 feet high. These were the ones that are at the end of parking lots and built by front end loaders. How could I resist the temptation to cross a 6 lane road just to climb this mountain of snow with my friends? I was six, so it had to be done. It was way too much fun.

Now we come to my first lie. When I got home, my Mom was really mad at me. I could just tell. Something was wrong and I knew I had been caught breaking a parental rule. I had crossed the street by myself when I was 6. The rules for walking home from school were simple. My home and school were both on Henderson Hwy and both were on the West side. I had a preplanned route that I was required to follow. The snow pile was on the East side of Henderson in a 7-11 parking lot 6 lanes across a forbidden road. I broke the biggest rule of all, I was NEVER allowed to cross Henderson Hwy unless I was with an adult.

I don’t know why I lied, I just did. The words came out of my mouth, “It wasn’t me Mom.” It went on for a while, my Mom was the interrogator and I was the suspect. In the end my lie had prevailed. I had discovered a new power. I just might be able to get away with anything.

Now 30 years later I still am still plagued by the same question. Should I hide myself behind lies or step out from behind my wall and face the consequences of my choice; lie or tell the truth?